although it feels like it sometimes, I know I am not the only one out here fighting
Posts tagged recovery.
THANK YOU for everyones feed back on my secrets video. Every message I recieve has brought tears of thanks to my eyes :’)
It is so nice to know that I am not the ONLY ONE out there that has dealt with this…
Watch it here:
it took alot of guts for me to post this……and I would appreciate it if I didn’t receive any rude comments/messages. I realize there are all these vids about people who cut, are gay, suicidal but NO ONE has made an Eating Disorder one…so here I go.
Okay this is seriously depressing. :,(((
I’m hoping that this will make a difference in at least one persons life. Be it letting someone with an ED know that they are not alone and that there is hope or stop someone from being victimized by bullying/name calling.
i am so proud of you chris. i love you with all my heart and i miss you like crazy. you have just completely inspired me. maybe soon i’ll be able to bring myself to make one of these. maybe…its incredibley scary, i know. we may live far apart, but i see you as one of my closest and dearest friends. stay strong honey. you are still alive for a reason.
I love you so much Jessi, I dont know what I would have done in the hospital without you…it sucks that we were there but im happy we could at least have each other during that time…and all the trouble we caused,
shit lol…..its been a long hard road but I think that we are BOTH alive now for a reason. You have always been the one that I can call when I’m having my worst lows and best highs. Love you babygirl.
it took alot of guts for me to post this……and I would appreciate it if I didn’t receive any rude comments/messages….I realized theres all these vids about the people who cut, who are gay, suicidal and NO ONE has made an Eating Disorder one…so here I go
- She is so beautiful, this broke my heart. If you ever read this, you hold a special place in my heart. I admire your bravery, and I hope with all my heart you make a full recovery and find your true happiness and not a fake smile. It’s hard to say you love a stranger, it seems fake, but I feel love for you. Please, keep that in mind at your weakest.
I will keep this and you in mind always and thank you so much i love you too! Its extremely hard…sometimes I don’t know if its that I don’t want to stop or I can’t stop. If this can prevent one person from going down the same road then it was worth it.
song: TIESTO-FEEL IT IN MY BONES. it took alot of guts for me to post this……and I would appreciate it if I didn’t receive any rude comments/messages….I realized theres all these vids about the people who cut, who are gay, suicidal and NO ONE has made an Eating Disorder one…so here I go
A pic taken during one of my many relapses….i was in the low 90s…i was sad…
Well I’ll try and tell the short version of it. I was diagnosed with anorexia, depression, ADHD and OCD at age 14. I believe this happened because of overall low self esteem and it started out as just wanting to get in better shape the healthy way and it just spun out of control. Growing up my mom was always drinking diet cokes, eating slim fast bars, salads, eating like a bird. She was a perfectionist and expected me to be one too. I always felt that nothing I ever did was ever good enough for her. And she would always complain about how she was “fat” and “oh no im ugly i look like a witch”…shes 5ft 4in and 110 at the time, skinny as a twig. When I was in 8th grade I remember weighing myself and I was also 5ft 4in and I weighed 125. I felt like a fat slob. And it was the day that I went from being a flyer in competitive cheer to a base. These were just little things…not to mention the divorce and my Doctor father who neglected me and would date supermodels and 10’s and my stepfather who abused me. The ED gave me back my control. It was mine and no one could take it from me. It helped me cope with my anxieties and I was losing weight. Mom took me to a Dr. when I got down to 100 and they said I should see a therapiest and was diagnosed with anorexia but i didnt give a fuck, and i was in denial. As far as I was concerned my mom was just upset that now I was the thin one. It continued to spiral out of control that fall. I would go all day only eating soup broth and a half a bagel and then every day after school I would run 2 miles and then do floor exercises/crunches. In December only a few months later I got down to 80 pounds and was taken to the Emergency Room at Texas Childrens Hospital and admitted as an impatient on the dreaded 14th floor. I spent Xmas in the hospital alone. There were about 4 of us ED patients at the time. One was a boy and one was a girl 9 years old!!! I had a nine year old sister….it made me so sad. We had 24 hr cams in our room. The things that went on in there were despicable. The way they treated us was horrible. It didnt help that all of the PCA’s were obese and ghetto with a evil attitude. They would taunt us and would try to push our buttons and cause anxiety on purpose. I dont know if they just didnt understand ED’s or they were just pure evil people. Once I reached over my bed to grab my cell phone and a PCA busted in and said that I was trying to “exercise” in my room and I was put on restriction (like being grounded) and had my phone taken away. One day when I turned in my menu choices for the next day and there werent a whole lot of options I would eat the same thing most of the time, a PCA erased some of my choices and chose different things that she knew I hated. And I was forced to eat those things the next day which caused me huge anxiety. We were stripped searched if we went a day without gaining weight. Lined up like animals for inspection. The PCAs were supposed to take us outside every few days and take us to the arts and crafts room and the library. We got to do this ONCE in the 4 MONTHS i was there. But there was nothing I could do. You can only imagine how it felt to be released from this hell and feel the wind and sun on my face again. I was never an angry person before I went thru this but it changed me. And in ways it made me stronger…But I was sooo unhappy with my body when i got out. 4 months of being bed bound and having food stuffed in your faced does not a body good. So after about a month I went back to my old habits. Why should supermodels and the girls at my school be able to be so thin and its acceptable and not me?!?!..anyways that summer I was re-admitted because I got back down to around 94 and the TCH doctors insisted that I be. I was never so scared in my entire life then during that elevator ride up to the 14th floor. I cried and pleaded so hard. But this time it was different…I knew what was up around here and I wasnt going to let them walk all over me this time. I put on my smart ass attitude and jsut tried to see this as a game. PCA’S hated me even more. and it was this time I met my two best friends Brittany and Jessi and we all fucked the system together. We would call each other on our room phones and make up codes. Like in prison! We would figure out ways around the system. The biggest trouble we ever got into was while we were at the wellness center, a PCA went thru brittany’s stuff and found the note I wrote her (which we did often) talking about our weights and how much we hated the PCAS and such. and boyyyyy did we get in a shitload of trouble. But we were like FUCK YEWW…there was also a 12 year old BOY and a 9 year old girl. anywho i spent like 2 and a half months in there that time. And then about a yr later my primarary dr said that i needed to be hospitalized again, but by this point I had told my mom about everything that went on on the 14th floor so she didnt want to send me back there. So we took the weekend and looked into places like remuda ranch online. Come monday morning, we still werent sure where i would be going, so my FUCKING primarary doctor CALLED THE COPS and CPS on my parents saying that they were doing this to me and they showed up at my house and i was taken by the cops to the ER….. we’ll at the ER i talked to the cops and I told him about what was going on and how I didnt want to go back to the 14th floor so he made it so that I could be hospitalized as a normal patient and this time i was on the GI floor 16. I was there for about a month and a half and was treated like a human being this time. WHile I was there I also put in a complaint me and my mom to the human resources department about the 14th floor which lead to a full investigation and them firing some of the people and doctors. :) I tried weed and partying and had sex the first time the summer I was 17 while visiting FL. It was the summer i lost my innocence. But i wouldnt give it up for anything. For the first time I felt alive. We would get drunk and smoke down and drive out to the beach and go swimming in the ocean at 3 am in the moon light and then watch the sunrise. Best summer ever…other than the fact that my wallet was stolen by a member of the group…..:/ i also learned that you cant trust people. A while later i turned 18 so now my parents couldnt hospitalize me. I got back down to my happy 95-100 and when i graduated highschool I moved out to Florida and got to leave my prison in Houston. I really miss my sister who is 16 now and I wish she was here with me but we still keep in touch. But i just knew I would never get better unless I got out of that environment. I got into modeling something i had been waiting to do forever and was so happy. I was also partying ALOT which i never got to do in highschool because i was always in and out of hospitals. I started stayin out late. Driving across town to college parties getting smoked out for free and meeting new people. All of the dancing and partying actually kept me in great shape!!! One night at a party a took my first GB and had been drinking some too and it made me sick and i threw up. The next morning when i woke up i felt sick so i went to the bathroom and made myself throw up for the first time and it made me feel alot better….this was also the day that i learned that I could make myself puke. I tried to brush it off but i had a photoshoot in a few days so the day before the shoot i made myself throw up so i could look thin in the photos. One time turned into one time a week turned into 5 times a week. I started losing weight rapidly. It wasnt so much wanting to lose weight but I hated the feeling of being full and felt disgusted with myself if i had food in my stomach. I dealt with this for about 2 months when I got down to about 90 pounds at 5ft 6in i said enough. I cant do this, I am going to die. And I hated how emaciated I looked. So i started to force myself to gain weight the healthy way and felt alot better. But still would purge every now and then….its just this feeling that I got in my stomach…i dont know if it was from food or what i have been thru but its this pain and bloating that would not go away unless i did……Fast forward to now I just graduated FMTI for emergency medicine and recently took my National Boards test and am now a Nationally Registered Emergency Medical Tech. My ED has never fully went away. I classify it now as ENDOS and i still struggle with my body and eating to this day…i just want to be happy with myself…Im happy right now where im at im 5ft 6in and 103 lbs and just want to do what makes me happy. sorry that was so long…
My ex whom im still quite close with is moving on wensday to TN to go to SAE musical production school …. Hes been such a huge part of my life for over 2 years now….It all just hit me at once and now I just cant stop crying. Im going to miss him so much…..Hes the only one that has made me feel like I’m not alone… Hes my best friend and one of my only real friends. He knows everything about me I know everything about him….Hes supposed to be back in 9 months but alot can change in 9 months time….
At this time, I dont want to be his girlfriend…Honestly he really needs to get his life together and this is such an amazing opportunity for him….Honestly I really need to get MY life together…
He tells me “I am going to marry you one day” and is completely in love with me…..(I’m not sure about marriage…im young still and confused) But I’m scared that what if we lose touch, what if we never see each other again, what if he meets someone, what if I meet someone……what if he forgets about me…..
My stomach is turning….
I’m worried that I’m going to relapse…………
Wow….this is my handprint at the hospital in the “Wellness Center” at Texas Childrens Hospital back in Houston when i was an inpatient hospitalized for anorexia….
I’m still very close with two of the girls I met in there Jessi (lovemodernthin.tumblr.com) and Brittany. They recently went back to visit and Jessi took this picture for me. All of our handprints are together <3